Imelda May...

Last night Christine, Kerry, Audrey and I all went to the o2 Glasgow to see Imelda May. Brilliant show. Christine introduced her music to me about 3 months ago then bought tickets for us all to go to see her live. Musicians in the band are fantastic but I especially loved the wee double bass/elec bass player Al Gare. Phenominal player, great presence. Imelda's voice is something else. She can sing with a whisper right up to a full rock roar in perfect pitch and incredible expression.

3 Lamb salads and a bag of chips in the car before heading home. Fantastic night.

Talk of circadian rhythm...

"I cried the other night 
I can't even say why 
Fluorescent flat caffeine lights 
Its furious balancing..."

Got back from night shift this morning, uploaded results and had one can of Fosters. Watched some TV till felt tired enough to hit the hay. Christine was reading her un-scary horror book so I opened 'The Witch of Portobello' and continued from where I'd left off the night before. When the text became somewhat blurred, I closed the book and lay down. It wasn't long before I realised it was going to be one of those nights. 


I managed to evade any sleep and just lay there till around 4am. Ipod on, some low key music might do the trick (it has in the past), so shuffled 2 Midlake albums. Found myself singing along (internally) till 6am. At around 7.30  Christine got up. Couldn't believe it, no sleep, all night.


There are a lot of thoughts that go round in my head at night, but it seemed quite intense up there last night. I've always struggled with my brain not shutting off at night, even as a child I remember getting stressed about not being able to sleep. My girls, oh my girls. I have to remember to thank the gods for the time we did have when I could bath them and read to them every night. To pull on Polly Pocket tops onto the never ending supply of Polly Pockets! WHY CAN'T I STOP FUCKING CRYING. FUCK. You know you need distracted when your thoughts can get so dark at the futility of a situation.  Usual financial stuff, highlighted by Christmas just around the corner is a fucking big worry. 


So, think I'll get some sleeping pills for tonight. Sure I've got some herbal ones kicking about the house somewhere.


NB. Bruce has bailed me out of so much heartache and worries over the years. Got me a psychiatrist when I broke down in Sep '09, bailed me out financially when I lost my job and got me a lawyer when my ex-wife left me. He also has tried to point me in the direction I'm finally getting round to myself, as far as a viable business opportunity goes.


Probably still got another 5-6 weeks of this work pattern. Circadian rhythm is fucked but at least it's work. 


Footage shot with film grain is of my colleague Graham setting up with me on the night shift. Funny how some folk flip out when you unexpectedly point an ipod at them, while some just take it in their stride.

Oct 2005...

Wow, so today I found a bunch of posts from the middle of October 2005.  I'm reposting, not to drag up the past or cause I'm some sort of sick masochist but purely because it's documented history...interestin 'in it!!.

I'm on the night shift this week in Dundee 6pm - 1.30am. Christine says we're now like passing ships in the night, although when I finally got to bed this morning at 2am she was wide awake telling me how pish 'The Human Centipede' movie was and how unscary her new scary book is!!..oh well.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2005

Tuesday 25th
We got out at the weekend!! Then Hurrah!! Elaine (Nics mum) watched the kids while we went shopping, had lunch, cocktails then dinner in the Italian Corner in Perth. Delicious - I had the steak (rare-had to stop it trying to crawl of the plate at one stage) and Nic had the creamy mushroom Tagliatelle. Got back expecting WWIII and all kids were in bed (hadn't been up once). It was a really good 3-4 hours away together. Elaine says we can do it every 2 weeks if we like. Magic.
I'm determined not to write anything about depression or seizures or anything like that just to concentrate on good stuff.

POSTED BY STEVE AT 4:12 PM | 0 comments
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2005

Thursday 20
Came to work this morning and Nic called to say she was ill with S+D and couldn't look after the kids. I managed to get there by 1ish and Mum and Dad came to watch them all till I get back. Hopefully it'll only be a 24hour thing as my time-off at work is scraping the barrel after the year we've had.

Signing Off. Laters.
POSTED BY STEVE AT 4:49 PM | 1 comments
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2005

Wednesday 19th
Well, the shrink doesn't think the siezures are due to overdosing on the Effexor (venlaflaxine) and thinks an EEG may tell them more. Why they couldn't have asked for this with her MRI, I don't know. We havn't heard anything from Edinburgh Infirmary. We got hold of the security video from the spar of the seizure which Nicola watched and was amazed to see locals standing over her to continue their purchases as she lies there! I couldn't watch it. Nicola is back to herself at the moment and busy arranging Ruby's babtism 20th November. Chris her brother to be Godfather (If he can make it back from Spain) and Lisa to be fairy Godmother.

Note to Self:
Clear out greenhouse as tomatoes etc have had it!! Next year 3 or 4 plants will do. Also get a smallish cider press for the apples and pears. If anyone in blogland has info on making garden variety cider let me know please.
POSTED BY STEVE AT 12:33 PM | 0 comments
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2005

October 18th
Note to Self:
Check Bank
POSTED BY STEVE AT 4:59 AM | 0 comments
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2005

Tuesday 11th
Nicola is now very frightened especially being at home with 2 children under 2 years old and Caitlin at school. It was only last Saturday that she took a full car of people to Edinburgh Dungeons for Caitlins birthday! Consequences of having a fit at the wheel are unthinkable and while not being able to drive while living in the country is an absolute disaster - there is no alternative at the moment.

Nicola has an appointment this afternoon with her psychiatrist to check on her depression. She had been doing very well in the last month up until Friday which has understandably set her back. Hopefully he'll be able to re-assure her and get her back on track. I feel he should liaise with Edinburgh Infirmary and compare notes just to cross reference.
We'll see what happens next.
POSTED BY STEVE AT 11:29 AM | 0 comments
MONDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2005

Happened Again
Friday 7th at around mid day Nicola had another fit in the shop across the road from the house. She was with Molly at the time so it wasn't good. Over the weekend she was quite upbeat about it although was repeating herself quite often. Last night (Sunday) She was very apprehensive and this morning was distraught on the phone to me at work. It was June when she had her last fit. In the middle of Ikea: Head tilted back, lights blurred and vision began to go in and out while voices seemed to be zooming in on her. Then the fit itself lasted just over a minute causing her to bite inside of her mouth, bang her head and hurt her neck. Incoherent after that until the ambulance arrived to take her to Edinburgh Infirmary then confused but came round again.

Some weeks later Nicola had an MRI scan which revealed nothing which looked like epilepsy although there was a "tiny focus of high signal in her front left lobe." What ever that is! So they conluded nothing but said if she had another attack within the next couple of months then they would prescribe antiepilepsy drugs.

So, Its happened again.
POSTED BY STEVE AT 4:19 PM | 0 comments

Redundant...

And so the job bonuses were cut, then the work began to drop off and last month I was given a 30 day consultation period with the risk of redundancy. If no new contracts came in then I was for the chop right about now. But hold on to your beanies, a new contract has come in right at the bells!! 2 months worth of night-shift in Dundee. At least that'll take us over the Christmas hurdle and the hope is that while we're doing this, some more work may appear. Eyes and fingers crossed.

I'd like to post another text I wrote on the fated work trip up north from May last year. I suppose the writing had been on the wall for years, but it has only been recently that I'm of a stable enough state to analyse any of it. Probably due to the fact Errol's local pub 'The Old Smiddy' has been closed for about a month now and I keep getting these unusual moments of clarity!!

Anyway, here is what I wrote the following night, 18 May 2010:

May 18 2010

The Cromarty Firth was like a sheet of glass this morning as I drove across it on the way to Tain in the Sun. It hit 20 deg C by mid day by which point I was in Invergordon where White and Mckay is made. What a difference a full breakfast makes to your day. Instead of worrying my way to work I could enjoy every bit of scenery and road ahead of me and bounced from site to site with ease. Tain to Invergordon to Muir of Ord to Beauly. The weather helped admittedly, although I’ve yet to experience weather that could get me down. The more extreme, the more I love it.

I got a call yesterday from the office to say that all evening meals on stays over are to be paid by engineers at the time and claimed back. I was already away before I got the call and although he apologised to say I should have been told earlier, I am still at a loss as to how the company expects anyone to work away. A measly £7.50 per night for evening meals is allowed for. The cheapest meal I could get here was £10.95 without a drink. What a fucking joke. So with lunch as well I could easily spend £60 for the 3 nights away and be out of pocket for a month and then get  £22.50 back – Fucking hell. Sadly, I won’t be doing it again. I won’t work away at cost to myself – fuck that. So tonight I ate within my budget: Butteries with ham (x2), one Pepperami and one Pot Noodle (Donner Kebab flavour). Now I know it’s not healthy but it can all be eaten in a hotel room with no cooking. Talking of hotel rooms. You know the bathroom is tight when the bog roll holder is nailed to the end of the bath!

Nicola told me she got Wayne to paint all the fences and shed in the garden. Can’t wait to see it. At the weekend  I put up a new security light on the back wall looking into the garden and 4 solar lamps around the grass perimeter. Looks nice at night, bit more atmosphere.

Nicola is also anxious we get our graphic design business going. We’ve both worked in that field since we left college and when we got our new Mac we were going to start a part time business. Done nothing for it yet except go through the motions at the Business Gateway for 2 nights months ago. Tonnes of stuff to read from them but we should just advertise and do it!

Just saw images of Dave Cameron talking for first time in House of Commons with Nick Clegg sitting awkwardly behind him. I don’t know who looked more embarrassed, but they both were. They knew the day would be upon them when they had to face their peers. All their talk of a ‘brave new way to do politics’ made good sound bites but in the cold hard fluorescent light of day, they looked somewhat sheepish, although it was a bit early for any ‘Baaahhh’s’ from the lads. We’ll see.

11:00pm “Hi Steve, Caitlin and Jade have decided to pitch the tent in the garden…..do you know where the tent pegs are?….they can’t find the pegs…”

4 months later...

4 months after the Inverness trip, on the 7 Sep 10, Nicola took the kids and left. She has been with a new man since Oct 10 and is pursuing Divorce and the sale of the family home. I don't know if I'd still be here had it not been for my Mum and Dad and a handful of friends whose charity, care, laughs, money and alcohol knew no bounds. I cannot thank them enough. I can see the kids anytime and Ruby and Molly stay with me every second weekend. Caitlin comes once a week for a chat, a movie and some tea.

3 other guys helped me through this time. I downloaded all the podcasts and audiobooks from Ricky Rervais, Steve Merchant and the little roundheaded Manc twonk that is Karl Pilkington. Funny doesn't cover it!!

From a Hotel Room, Inverness May 17 2010

May 17 2010.

Amazing how dead a laptop feels without internet access. Lying here in my hotel room in Inverness there is no signal for my dongle and no signal for my phone. I am cut off from my usual sources of information, that of Google and Facebook as well as Nicola (my wife), so I have decided to try and document things simply by typing.

I do have the telly on and find myself increasingly worried by the face of our new Prime Minister David Cameron. All his talk of ‘getting down to work’, ‘asking not what benefits I can get, but how I can benefit Britain…’worries me. Not that I’m afraid of working (Nicola laughs) I do, but I’ve always panicked when someone tells me now is the time to do it. And there are those who genuinely cannot work; the unemployed, disabled, elderly etc etc. How does this Eton toff make them feel? Britain feels a bit like a sorry teenager who was supposed to be studying for exams but who has been nipping out with his mates, getting pissed and has suddenly, after 13 years, been caught. “But our cool uncle Blair said it was OK! and the grumpy old guy after him didn’t give a fuck!....”

It seems to me Cameron got in power by just being in opposition. He never needed to commit the tories to any policies, but to just oppose any the government came up with. I don’t know of anyone who voted for him (not hard being up here admittedly) and wait with baited breath to see what this new LibCon bunch will come up with. Britain is skint, unfit and we’re now a victim of passive smoking from our 40 a day neighbour, Iceland. With the holiday season fast approaching, the volcano on Iceland currently blowing smoke rings for fun, high into the atmosphere, could reek havoc on our own wee island.

I know how Britain feels. Being 42, under paid and unfit, with no strategic financial or family plan, I am a worried man. A wife, 3 daughters, a mortgage and a job with talks of bonus cuts together with the Governments promise of tax hikes, National Insurance hikes and Child Benefit cuts all contrive to make sure I am a worried man.  Nicola has been asking for ages for us to sit down and discuss a plan for the future but I keep putting it off. Why? Fear. Must I show Nicola that I’m the kind of guy who loves sailing a rudderless ship on un chartered waters? She knows all that. But surely now after 15 years of marriage it is time to show her I can change. I can take the wheel and pilot properly. Fucking do it then you sorry twat. It is the middle of May (17^th to be precise) and spring has sprung. What better time to get things under way?

I may keep this writing lark up. It is something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. Hopefully I can develop some ideas better if I write and then can go back to it. I may be able to make better sense of things If I’m not just juggling them in the sorry mass I call a brain. I don’t want to sound like Karl Pilkington here but sadly he has been an influence in me starting to write. Oh to be so funny. I’ve no ‘Monkey News’, poetry or insect based trivia but I do have an urge to make peace with the past, document the present and move on.

Good night. Ipod on. More drivel from Karl please…Good night Nicola, Caitlin, Molly and Ruby x x x