Talk of circadian rhythm...

"I cried the other night 
I can't even say why 
Fluorescent flat caffeine lights 
Its furious balancing..."

Got back from night shift this morning, uploaded results and had one can of Fosters. Watched some TV till felt tired enough to hit the hay. Christine was reading her un-scary horror book so I opened 'The Witch of Portobello' and continued from where I'd left off the night before. When the text became somewhat blurred, I closed the book and lay down. It wasn't long before I realised it was going to be one of those nights. 


I managed to evade any sleep and just lay there till around 4am. Ipod on, some low key music might do the trick (it has in the past), so shuffled 2 Midlake albums. Found myself singing along (internally) till 6am. At around 7.30  Christine got up. Couldn't believe it, no sleep, all night.


There are a lot of thoughts that go round in my head at night, but it seemed quite intense up there last night. I've always struggled with my brain not shutting off at night, even as a child I remember getting stressed about not being able to sleep. My girls, oh my girls. I have to remember to thank the gods for the time we did have when I could bath them and read to them every night. To pull on Polly Pocket tops onto the never ending supply of Polly Pockets! WHY CAN'T I STOP FUCKING CRYING. FUCK. You know you need distracted when your thoughts can get so dark at the futility of a situation.  Usual financial stuff, highlighted by Christmas just around the corner is a fucking big worry. 


So, think I'll get some sleeping pills for tonight. Sure I've got some herbal ones kicking about the house somewhere.


NB. Bruce has bailed me out of so much heartache and worries over the years. Got me a psychiatrist when I broke down in Sep '09, bailed me out financially when I lost my job and got me a lawyer when my ex-wife left me. He also has tried to point me in the direction I'm finally getting round to myself, as far as a viable business opportunity goes.


Probably still got another 5-6 weeks of this work pattern. Circadian rhythm is fucked but at least it's work. 


Footage shot with film grain is of my colleague Graham setting up with me on the night shift. Funny how some folk flip out when you unexpectedly point an ipod at them, while some just take it in their stride.